Loving Yourself While Loving Another (or Others)

I came across this quote above on Facebook and I felt that I understood what Ms. Bennet-Henry was saying. But I had a problem with the quote if I allowed myself to take it quite literally with no nuance. Allow me to explain.

It could reasonably be argued that you are incapable of loving others if you don’t have the ability or capacity to love yourself. And love takes practice. Love is an action. It is a verb. It is something that we do. And like anything that we do, we get better with practice. Love, like charity, should start at home, so to speak.

The point that I believe that Ms. Bennett-Henry was making is that we shouldn’t grow accustomed to loving someone at the expense of our well-being. That we shouldn’t love someone so much that we allow that person to victimize us, neglect us, or continue to take us for granted. That a truly loving relationship is one of mutual benefit, at least when taken as a whole. Sure, we may take turns supporting each other and at times we may bear the brunt of the load when our friend or love is hurting. But that disparity should be the exception rather than the rule. I think that point is valid.

But I think love, true love, rises above an all-encompassing concern with ourselves. Put another way, when we are in love our concern for someone else is equally as important to us or even more important to us than our own immediate well-being. How else can we explain the self-sacrifice that we sometimes see from people for those that they love?

As a man, I take my societal role as a protector seriously. While I have not been required to sacrifice my life for someone that I love (Duh!), I have put myself between those that I love and potentially hazardous situations. Would I lay down my life for someone that I love? I don’t know. I would like to think that I would. I certainly feel that I love and have loved people enough to sacrifice myself for their safety and well-being. But who really knows what they are willing to do until they are put in such a situation?

Regardless, the history of humanity is replete with examples of people sacrificing themselves for their friends, teammates, love interests and spouses, and even their fellow man and woman that are total strangers. And self-sacrifice doesn’t necessarily require one’s demise to demonstrate selflessness. It can be taking the hit literally or figuratively. It can be instances of you giving of yourself when it isn’t convenient for you or is contrary to your interests. It can be working the overtime so that you can provide them with the little extras. It can be getting a turkey sub instead of the meatball sub because you know that she will want a piece of your sub, even though she indicated that she didn’t want anything. Isn’t that loving someone more than yourself?

Sure, you can argue that such self-sacrifice fulfills some need for the person doing the sacrificing. OK, but does that in any way take away from the sacrifice? I can’t argue that it does just because the one making the sacrifice feels good about making it.

You should love and respect yourself. You should understand and value your own worth. You should not sell yourself cheap in a relationship. A relationship is for all intents and purposes, a transaction or an agreement. Both sides clearly want something from a relationship if they enter into one and if they choose to remain in one. But I would argue that there is nothing wrong with putting the object of your affection on a pedestal and treasuring that person as much or more than you do yourself.

Click on the link below to enjoy a small part of Robin Williams’ masterful performance in Good Will Hunting where his character gives his thoughts on life and love.