Chasing the Why Is Counterproductive
- gregorymaness
- Aug 28, 2025
- 2 min read
In the past, I have admittedly been guilty of engaging in rumination and getting caught up in trying to make sense of a breakup or poor treatment received at the hands of someone that I had thought cared about me. But from what I have read and from what I have heard, it’s not exactly an uncommon practice for people that have been damaged or emotionally wounded by the actions of someone else. Not everyone is going to casually shrug off the end of a friendship or a romantic relationship and move on with their life. Some people fuss over the wound and pick at the scars. As someone that is inclined to fuss over my wounds and pick at my scars, I have learned how counterproductive and unfulfilling that can be.
Mr. Prather is correct. You almost certainly will not get an answer or an explanation that is going to make sense to you or that is going to heal the wounds and repair the scars. Frankly, getting answers isn’t going to change anything. It isn’t going to undo the betrayal or the poor treatment that you have received. You may want closure. You may think that the other person owes you that much. But is hearing an excuse going to give you closure? I have my doubts.
I DO think that giving a former friend or a former love the opportunity to ask questions, to process the demise of a relationship, and to say goodbye is the decent thing to do. It is a kindness to someone with whom you had a relationship. It gives that former friend or former love the opportunity to perhaps frame the relationship in a positive way and to perhaps see it in a sweet or bittersweet light in the future.
Certainly a bad ending piled high with contempt and cruelty and a clear lack of empathy, love, and concern is going to leave its mark emotionally speaking. The “victim” of such an ending is probably going to come to think quite differently about that relationship and the other person in the future if the end seems to have been made unnecessarily harsh and traumatic.
But the opportunity to ask questions and seek closure probably isn’t going eliminate the pain. The answers that you get aren’t likely to patch up the wounds. This is true even if the other person is being truthful, caring, loving, and sympathetic. It may be a little less traumatic and damaging, particularly in the long run. It may result in less emotional scarring. But that’s about it. When it comes to coming to terms with a broken heart, you have to “pay your dues.” I would encourage you, as someone that has been through it myself, to spend more time looking forward and far less time looking back in pursuit of a “why.” And if you are a believer, I would make the case that Mr. Prather’s advice to involve God in the healing process and the process of moving on is pretty good advice.
Look forward, my friends.
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