Blocking the Pain

(👆😄 No, I have not done this. Seriously, I haven’t.)

On social media, I have blocked a number of annoying and unpleasant people from responding to me and from interacting with me. And I have been blocked as well. But when it comes to people that I have loved and cared for deeply, I have only seen fit to block one person from contacting me via telephone, text message, e-mail message, and social media.

Don’t get me wrong. In the relative few interpersonal relationships that have ended in what I would consider disastrous and unpleasant fashion, I would have readily considered blocking those people from contacting me as well. But at the time, it really wasn’t an option. The technology to remove someone’s ability to contact you was more limited.

In the days before widespread cell phone use, e-mail, and text messaging, you blocked people primarily by changing your phone number or taking the phone off the hook. And I have left the phone off the hook when I didn’t want to be bothered. I have gotten those phone calls where someone would either abruptly hang up or would not speak after I answered the phone. Having the option to dial *69 and possibly identify the caller ended some of that foolishness, but not always. Even now it isn’t impossible to remain anonymous when calling someone. But now it is relatively easy to block someone from contacting you. It isn’t foolproof, but it is certainly better than leaving your phone off the hook or going to the trouble of changing your phone number.

I blocked someone a number of years ago, when she broke my heart and treated me with apparently deliberate cruelty. I didn’t want to speak with her and I didn’t want to catch myself wondering if or when she might contact me again. I needed time and space for my heart to heal. I still carry the scar from that goodbye. But the pain of that moment has lessened to a tolerable level.

Blocking this person was undoubtedly the right decision at the time, but it wasn’t without its drawbacks. Namely, I sometimes catch myself wondering if this person ever felt any remorse for the way that she treated me. I wonder if she ever called, sent me an e-mail message, or sent me a text message to apologize and say that she was sorry. If she did, I didn’t get the message because she had been blocked.

It certainly isn’t healthy to spend time ruminating and wondering about such possibilities. It is admittedly a rather unlikely possibility. Sure, this person may not have meant the things that she said. But I have to assume that she meant every word that she said. C’est la vie, right? But even someone that doesn’t particularly care for you can still feel badly about being unnecessarily hurtful. So I occasionally find myself wondering.

I didn’t block this person without giving it some thought. And if I have my heart broken again, I won’t make that decision to block someone lightly. The benefit to me may outweigh the drawbacks. But blocking someone can have drawbacks. Even when it is deemed necessary to do so.