Please Stop Poking the Bear
Updated: Aug 13
I was once in a heated argument with a woman that I had dated for a time and I told her that I was done and that I didn’t want to hear any more about it. Predictably perhaps, she had to say one more thing as I was walking away. Angrily, I turned and stalked back towards her now ready to continue the argument in earnest that she was clearly unwilling to drop. She surprised me by shrinking back and flinching as though I was about to strike her.
Now I had made no move or statement that indicated that I was about to strike her. In the time that we had dated I had never struck her or threatened to strike her. She saw a very angry man approaching her and she reacted instinctively to my obvious anger and my sudden, close proximity to her.
I had kind of a half-laugh and looked at her with a combination of genuine amusement, hurt, and shock. While I have had fights with other males and she likely knew that I would fight another male if sufficiently provoked, I wouldn’t knowingly strike a woman under anything but the most serious circumstances such as a woman posing a serious physical threat to myself, a friend, or a loved one (I did once strike a woman with an open hand when I didn’t realize that it was a woman that had just grabbed my ass in a room full of guys). And while I think that she knew that, her self-preservation instincts were not as convinced. I then calmly and gently reminded her that she didn’t have to fear me physically hurting her over an argument.
I remember a substitute instructor, that was filling in for the instructor of a class at the local community college/tech school, riling up the females in our class when she suggested that women sometimes didn’t know when to shut up and that they sometimes provoked violent confrontations by continuing to willfully antagonize a male partner. And while I can’t bring myself to rationalize or excuse domestic abuse by men, I think that there is sometimes some truth to such a statement. Boys and men kind of learn through trial and error how far they can push another boy or man before it provokes a violent response, although it is hardly a guarantee that one male won’t misinterpret the situation or misjudge just how far he can safely go without a fight resulting. Frankly, some women count on males not reacting violently and they push their luck.
Again, I am not attempting to excuse physical violence and intimidation by men against the women in their lives. And I certainly don’t believe that women should tiptoe around men just to avoid an argument or a tough, uncomfortable discussion. I just think that women should respect a man’s emotions and his physical power and not treat every argument as some contest where the unstated goal is evidently to provoke a loss of emotional control and stability. And yes, ladies, I will acknowledge that sometimes men are guilty of pushing an argument to the point where the female partner “loses her shit.” But I have seen and experienced confrontations between women and men where the man expresses that he is done and that he basically needs for the argument to end, if only for the time being, and for the woman to continue insulting, abusing, and antagonizing him.
So what got me thinking about this topic? It was a short video from the Flourish with Laurin YouTube channel. I don’t follow her YouTube account, but because I have watched and liked a handful of her videos, I will see them pop up on YouTube as recommendations. In regard to this particular video, she was talking less about a man’s ability to do physical harm when angered and more about his ability to inflict consequences for the relationship should certain lines be crossed in the relationship by his partner. And I would tend to agree with her take. Most guys with a modicum of self-respect and love for themselves will have certain lines that they will not accept being crossed. Crossing those lines can certainly doom an otherwise good relationship. But when I watched the video, I couldn’t help but flash back to that time when a young woman’s reaction revealed that, at least on some instinctive level, she recognized that I could be physically dangerous if provoked.
If you have read this far, I would recommend that you click on the link below and watch the video. It’s short and might serve as a good reminder not to needlessly and foolishly poke the bear. Following her advice might just save a good relationship.
“⚠️ Fear your Husband”
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